Foxy Queen

Queen of Pentacles - Tarot of the Magical Forest

When I draw the Queen of Pentacles for myself I always think of taking care of my family, but the queen from this deck really captures what I am feeling today when I look at her.  Doesn't she look a little tired, the way she is sort of hunched over her large coin?  The coin almost looks heavy, like she is struggling to hold onto it, or maybe I am projecting just a bit. Ha!

I looked through this journal at all of the other times the Queen of Pentacles has come up for me, and it is so interesting to look back at the patterns I create for myself.  I can also see growth in myself.  I accept myself more unconditionally now.  I notice when my self care is lacking more quickly, which is the message the Queen of Pentacles has for me today.

In the last few months I've worked hard to take care of myself by eating well, taking daily walks, working with my doctor and naturopath, addressing anemia and a hormonal imbalance with supplements and bio-identical progesterone.  I've been taking time for myself to read, listen to soul nourishing podcasts and journal.

That attention to my self care pulled me out of a major depressive episode, and I'm feeling so much better than I was three months ago, but in the last couple of weeks I've let my self care slide.  I've forgotten to take my vitamins more times than not, and it's been over a week since I took a walk.  I'm noticing less energy and it's affecting my ability to do the things around the house and for my family that I was getting done easily before.

So, thanks, you foxy but tired-looking queen, for reminding me that it's time to go back to doing what works.

“Love yourself first, and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” – Lucille Ball 

Spiritual Support

I was up most of the night feeling anxious.  Again.  I've actually been depressed and anxious since the beginning of October.  There have been several major stresses in my life during these months, and that together with my seasonal affective disorder, together with my generalized anxiety disorder have had me in quite a state.  

I'm not ignoring it.  I've had a couple of appointments with my doctor.  My blood work showed that I'm anemic, but that is resolving with iron.  Otherwise, I'm healthy. Well, except for this anxiety and depression.  My doctor wants to prescribe an antidepressant.  I've been on them before, but I'm trying this time to see if I can get to the root cause instead of masking it with medication.  I may still opt for medication if I can't find better relief, but in the meantime I'm working with a naturopath who has tested my estrogen and progesterone levels along with a saliva test for adrenal function.  I have an appointment with him today to find out the results.

I'm also trying to make some lifestyle changes, so far with some minimal success, but success nonetheless.  I'm kind of hit or miss with walking or other exercise, but I know it would make a big difference.  I'm working on better sleep hygiene and eating healthy whole foods while taking a few supplements.

I've been reading lots of different works dealing with spirituality and positive thinking as well, trying very hard to challenge negative thoughts.  I acknowledge the thoughts, but then I try to determine whether they are actually true, and I notice how those thoughts make me feel.  It's all hard work, but it is helping.  I could probably use some guidance from a counselor, but I've been dragging my feet when it comes to actually finding one and making an appointment.

Whew.  That's the background.  I'm trying to get to my tarot reading today, and I will, but there is one more big piece to my anxiety puzzle.

Choose Wisely

The Magician, The Tower, Page of Swords - Tarot of the Magical Forest

Your thoughts create reality.  Choose good ones.

or

When you cause a storm, don't be surprised if you get wet.

"But be careful what you wish for cause
you just might get it
you just might get it 
you just might get it"~The Pussycat Dolls


 

Full Lunar Eclipse

For tonight's full lunar eclipse I pulled three cards: What is moving into the past? What is coming into my life? And where do I need to find a better balance?

Six of Swords, Nine of Wands, Ace of Wands - Tarot of the Magical Forest

These cards could not be more frustratingly coy and generic. What I'm getting here is that I've been in the midst of a painful transition, but that is moving into the past and something new and exciting is coming in the future, in the meantime I should keep fighting the good fight.

Well, thanks for that, tarot.  I guess it's encouragement, but that moon, that sly moon. is keeping the details a secret for now.

Let Go and Just Be

Ten of Cups, The Lovers, The Tower - Tarot of the Magical Forest

 I always freak out a little when The Tower comes up in a reading, especially if it's in the, "outcome," or, "future," position, as it is here.  Interestingly though, just before I pulled these cards I was having a conversation with some random person in my head.  (This is not unusual for me.)  I was telling this random person that when I do a reading, I tend to look at the cards as a counselor giving advice, as opposed to a fortune teller telling me what will be.  Sure, I do think of them as giving a glimpse into possible outcomes, but I still believe our decisions affect our outcomes.

The Tower is a little different, though.  Tower events happen to us all, and we rarely see them coming.  Painful and sometimes terrifying at the time, the event brings a much needed change, perhaps a change that has been resisted.  Still, I'll try to keep my own words in mind when considering these cards because I think it's significant that they came to me just before I pulled them.

The Lovers card in the position of my current situation makes a lot of sense.  This card from the Tarot of the Magical Forest has a real Yin and Yang feeling to it.  One white rabbit, the other black.  A tree with flames that looks a lot to me like a tree in fall, losing it's leaves, while the other looks lush and is bearing fruit.  The snake in the tree and the angel in the sky further remind me of choices: good or bad, right or wrong, pure or evil.

I wonder if this card is asking me to accept those things about myself that I find repugnant.  I wonder if this is just another guidepost among the many I've gotten lately telling me how important it is that I accept myself unconditionally.  Or maybe I just want to see it that way, as that puts a kinder spin on that Tower card over there.  I'm thinking (hoping?) The Tower card is referring to recent prayers and pleas to the Universe I've been making lately.  I've been wanting to surrender and let go of always striving to be better and be able to trust that God has my back and will bring all things together for my good without my needing to make it happen.

Or are The Lovers telling me I have a very important choice to make?  Choose unwisely, and that Tower will bring me to the very place I'm supposed to be anyway, except that it will be the more shocking and upsetting way to get there.

The Ten of Cups reminds me that I have a good life and a loving, supportive family.  I know that whatever comes for me in the future I'll have help along the way, if I can remember to ask for it, and if I can allow myself to lean on others during those times when I have trouble standing on my own.  It may also indicate the end of a cycle.  Summer is almost over and soon the dark months, as shown in the stormy sky of The Tower card will be upon me.  I have to take extra self-care measures to get through those months.

Self acceptance, gratitude for all I have, surrendering and letting go.  These seem to be the theme of my life lately.  It would be a relief to stop trying so hard and just be.

Short and Sweet

Knave of Swords, The Fool, King of Wands - Tarot of the Magical Forest

The first impulse I got when I turned these cards over was, "You need to get control of your thoughts, girlfriend. This is a brand new journey, and it's just the beginning. You will be the master of your impulses and cravings, and you will accomplish your goals."

Now head over to my other blog to see why I needed a pep talk today.


 

Time To See A Doctor?

I've been sick for the last 3 weeks, and it's been interfering with my GMST plan.  I've been improving, and I'm not noticing any signs of infection or pneumonia; no fever, clear mucous, no shortness of breath, almost no wheezing, etc., but I am still feeling like death warmed over.  What energy I had is gone.  The smallest things, like throwing a load of clothes in the washer, completely wipe me out.

My sleep cycle is totally out of whack too.  I am unable to fall asleep before 4 or 5 am, and have been sleeping past 1 pm.  I've always been a night owl, but when I was sick, so were my kids, and one child, in particular, had a lot of trouble sleeping at night, so instead of resting and recovering, I was up all night with her.  I'm sure that didn't help.  

Today I forced myself to get up at 10 am, and yesterday I managed to go grocery shopping, which I don't think I've done since before Christmas.  I'm serious about GMST.  I'm tired of just existing, getting fatter and more tired, watching other people live while I distract myself with meaningless mundanities while time passes.  (I do love a good bit of drama every now and then, as evidenced by that last sentence, but what I wrote is not untrue.)

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
~Norman Cousins


So, today I'm asking the cards if it's time to go to the doctor or if I will be able to proceed with my plan to de-herimitize myself.  Is my health in need of professional attention?  How about my mental health?  Do I need medication to shake this depression or can I do it with better self-care and an attitude adjustment?  (I've gone both routes with success in the past.)

The Devil, Five of Pentacles, Ace of Swords - Tarot of the Magical Forest

I turned over the middle card first, which represents my current state.  Oh my.  I have to chuckle because it just really couldn't be more literal, could it?  I'm here in the dead of Winter, lamenting the cold, dark days, feeling like the sun will never shine again.  This little fox, obviously is not completely healthy with her bandaged leg.  She needs a cane to walk, and her worried spouse holds her up and supports her, just like me.  This just makes me smile. So,...true!

Next I turned over The Devil.  This is a past influence that is affecting me now.  Well, yeah.  Again, true.  I've been eating too much, drinking too much, sitting on the computer too much, and sleeping too much.  I've been feeling powerless to help myself.  It is exactly what has brought me to my current state.

But I'm going to be okay.  The next card is my outcome.  An attitude adjustment is definitely called for.  By the power of my will I can overcome my current situation.  I am the one in control of this, and I need wake up and really own that.

This is a really good reading for me.  I feel inspired and empowered.  It's just the kind of in-your-face, honest pep talk that I needed this morning.

"You have a very powerful mind that can make anything happen as long as you keep yourself centered."
 ~Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Challenging Negative Thoughts

What can I do today to focus my energy more positively?

Five of Wands, King of Swords, The Sun - Tarot of the Magical Forest

I'm creating a lot of conflict for myself with my thoughts.  The reason I'm feeling angry and bitter today, and unfortunately, I am, for no real reason, is because of the stories I'm telling myself, not because of what is actually true.  I need to challenge those thoughts and be very intentional about telling myself the truth.

I'm taking the appearance of The Sun in this reading literally.  It's been so dark and rainy, and that kind of weather really affects my mood, but today the sun was shining so I made a point of getting outside and spending some time in the bright light.  It felt good!  When this time of year rolls around I have a light box that I use in the morning because my sleep gets disrupted by the short, dark days.  The light box helps.  I also start taking vitamin D3.  I've been telling myself for a couple of weeks that it's time to implement those Winter coping strategies.  I FEEL THE NEED!  I've procrastinated on doing it, though, and maybe The Sun is just a reminder that it's time.

"Whenever a negative thought concerning your personal power comes to mind, deliberately voice a positive one to cancel it out."

~Norman Vincent Peale

Heaven Via Chariot?

My uncle is losing his battle with leukemia.  He's not expected to live past Christmas, if he makes it that long.  I keep hoping for some miracle to come and save him, but maybe a peaceful passing is what I should be praying for.  I did a spread asking what the next few weeks would look like for him.

The Chariot, Six of Wands, King of Chalices - Tarot of the Magical Forest

Probably because of wishful thinking my first read on these cards was that The Chariot represents my uncle's desire to fight this cancer.  He wants to undergo an aggressive treatment to try and beat the cancer, but his doctor believes the treatment will kill him even faster than the cancer.  His heart is simply not strong enough to survive a stronger dose of chemo.  When I saw these cards I thought maybe they were saying he would fight and be victorious.  Surely the Six of Wands shows a man surrounded by love and support celebrating a victory, right?

But after thinking about it more, and knowing that my uncle is home under hospice care, preparing to celebrate Christmas early so he can see the joy in his grand-children's faces one last time, I think maybe The Chariot indicates that he will be leaving this world for the next very soon.

In the bible, Elijah was taken to heaven by a chariot:

"Then it happened, as they continued on and talked, that suddenly a chariot of fire appeared with horses of fire, and separated the two of them; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven." 2 Kings 2:11

The next two cards seem almost heavenly in that context.  If this reading does indicate that he will by dying soon, it shows joy and love await him in the next world.  I really want to believe that when we die we are reunited with loved ones.  The Six of Wands paints that picture too.  Maybe the King of Cups is God, in this case.  God is love, after all. No matter how confused I am about all things divine at times, that is the one belief I cling to the most. 

As if that isn't clear enough, when I add up the cards to calculate the quint card I get 7+6=13.  Death.

Either way, I want to believe what this reading is telling me.  I hope a miracle happens and somehow his heart is strengthened and he can live to fight.  The truth is, though, that we are all going to die, and no matter how hard I try to forget that truth, sometimes it gets right up in my face and demands to be acknowledged.  This is one of those times, so if I have to face it, I want so badly to believe death is a passing from this world to a better one filled with love and joy.  That does seem to be the message for me today.  If only I could believe it.

Treading Water

Yesterday I drew the Four of Wands.  This card didn't reflect how I was feeling at all.

Four of Wands - Tarot of the Magical Forest

I suppose it could be telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself and remember that I really am blessed.  I have a beautiful family, a comfortable home, my health and good friends.

The thing is, I'm feeling a little hopeless, as I am prone to feeling from time to time.  I've been working diligently, and yet feel that I am as far away from accomplishing my goals as I ever was.  I feel like I'm in the middle of an ocean, treading water with no shore in sight.  It's only a matter of time before I run out of energy and sink to the bottom of the deep blue sea...

In fact, today's card is a very good representation of how I've been feeling.

Five of Chalices - Tarot of the Magical Forest

When I see this card, I always hear myself sighing, "Woe is me.  Poor, poor me," and yet, this card reminds me that while I'm focused on those three empty cups, I'm ignoring the two full cups in the foreground.  Those two cups could very well be my salvation, filled with hope.

Today I remembered the readings I've done for myself in the recent past.  The ones where the Hanged Man showed up, letting me know that there would be a period of time where I would feel like I wasn't getting anywhere.  "Hang in there, baby!" he seemed to be saying.  So, I'm trying to be patient.  I have no plan other than to keep treading water for as long as I can, to hang in there until something starts to improve.  It's better than sinking.

Queen for the Day

Look at that! I drew another queen today.

Queen of Chalices - Tarot of the Magical Forest

It seems appropriate because today was my birthday, and my family made me Queen for the day.  They cleaned up, made dinner, and baked me a delicious lemon cake from scratch.

Queen of the Lovelies

Today I drew the Queen of Pentacles.

Queen of Pentacles - Tarot of the Magical Forest

In the past when I've drawn this card, I've read it as an encouragement to love and take care of myself.  I didn't immediately get that vibe when I pulled it, so I thought I'd just look for ways to incorporate the energy of this card into my day.  I did a little cleaning here and there, and I found it a pleasure because I had already whipped the house into shape earlier in the week in anticipation of guests coming over.  It's always easier to keep a clean house clean than it is to work in a messy house.  Well, no duh, huh?

The thing about this particular Queen of Pentacles is she looks really tired to me.  Yeah, that can be the downside of being the Queen of Pentacles.  She's so busy tending to everyone else, making the house cozy, balancing the checkbook, reading to the kiddies, but if she isn't careful all of that care-giving can really take a toll.

So, this tired Queen still serves as a reminder to take care of myself so I can continue to be there to take care of my lovelies. 

Onward!

Knave of Swords -
Tarot of the Magical Forest

How interesting that today I drew the Knave of Swords, which comes right after the card I drew yesterday.  Yesterday I was replaying last weekend's events over and over in my mind, but today I've moved forward and have made a solid decision about the situation.  However, I'm still feeling unsure.


This knave is moving forward but still looks backward pensively.  The sky around him is dark and foreboding. Maybe a storm is approaching.

I don't know how to tell my friends that I won't be showing up at our favorite gathering place anymore.  I see some of them in other places.  We get together at each others' houses for parties and stuff like that, but some of them I never see anywhere but there.  I'm afraid I'll lose touch.  I'm afraid my friends will try to talk me out of my decision, so I want to avoid the conversation completely, but if I'm being honest, I've been thinking I needed a break from spending time at this place for quite a while now, even before the shock of this past weekend.  I've been going less and less frequently, unable to completely let go.

Yes, this card portrays my feelings perfectly, but I want to look a little deeper for advice.  I'd say that it's telling me to do what I know I need to do even though I have reservations.  I don't know what the road ahead looks like, but I need to just keep taking the next step.

I don't know what I'll tell my friends, but I know what I have to do.

New Deck - New Day

A new deck arrived in the mail for me today.  I bought it for my birthday.  It's the Tarot of Magical Forest tarot deck, and I'm enchanted with it.  I'll be drawing a card a day from it for a while while we get acquainted.

Ten of Swords - Tarot of the Magical Forest

For my first draw from this deck I wish I had chosen a more pleasant card, but I can see how this card may be appropriate for me today.  The cat in this card looks like he has been through quite a battle, and those wide open eyes make me think that, although the battle is over, he is replaying the battle over and over in his mind.

I've been thinking all week about what happened Saturday night.  I've talked to my husband about it.  I've talked to my son about it because he is the one who picked me up, and I've decided I am not crazy, and I'm not to blame for what happened.  It's time to stop thinking about it and move on.

When I looked through this deck, there was one card that immediately became my favorite.

Strength - Tarot of the Magical Forest

This strength card just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.  I could almost cry it's so sweet.  So, I'm going to channel the energy of this card today, because after the difficult week I've had it feels like a warm embrace.