Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Operation GMST

Where have I been?  Where am I still?  I can't tell you, exactly.  I can only tell you where I haven't been.  That is to say, I have not been present here on this blog, nor have I been present in my own life.  I've been existing.  That is all.

For a few weeks I've been telling myself I'm going to pick myself up, make a change and take control of my life again.  I've been calling it, "Operation Get-My-Shit-Together."  I know exactly what I need to do to feel better, healthier, more alive.  I just don't know where to start.  If I try to do everything that I know I need, I will end up falling flat on my face with another reason to not trust myself.  What ONE THING do I need to get the ball rolling?  Take my vitamins?  Start getting some exercise again?  Set my alarm and wake up earlier?  Organize a closet and reclaim some space?  Get together with some friends, as I've been a complete hermit for the last two months?  Start cooking real food again instead of living on boxed mac and cheese and frozen pizzas?

I did a spread looking for clarity.

Where to start/The big picture/Keep in mind

Judgement, Ten of Coins Reversed, Five of Coins - Joie De Vivre Tarot

When I turned over the first card, Judgement, I thought, Oh great, I have to figure out where to start for myself.  I just want a clear answer.  As I looked at the card, though, and noticed the butterfly on the hat of this character I thought of transformation.  He is rising from the flames of his past toward rebirth.  I think I need to start by believing I can live differently, that instead of just existing, I can have the joyful life I dream of having but never really allow myself to live.

Ten of Coins reversed is the big picture.  When I stop focusing on all the little details, this is what is all comes down to, huh?  This card tells me that I already have everything I need.  I am blessed and gifted with so much abundance, but I refuse to acknowledge it.  I refuse to let myself enjoy it.  It would heal my heart if I could open my eyes and express gratitude every day for what I do have and for what and who I am. I also need to believe that I deserve love.  I deserve joy.  Even though I am not the made up idea of perfection that I think I need to be before I'm allowed to be loved and joyful.

What I need to keep in mind is that although it seems dark now, brighter days are ahead.  Believe it, and keep moving forward.

The quint card for this spread is Strength. (20+10+5 = 35 and 3+5=8)

Strength - Joie De Vivre Tarot

 The description for this card that came with the deck summarizes the reading beautifully:

"With patience, you will triumph over challenges that lie ahead, while maintaining calmness. Ride out the storm and face your fears; do not give up when you're so close to getting through a trying situation. Have faith of your own ability to endure, and come out stronger from the experience. Through it all, you will be where you are supposed to be, and it will be for the best"

I do have challenges to face and hard work to do, but I can believe I have the strength to do it, and in the meantime, I am allowed to be happy.  I am allowed to be kind to myself.  I am allowed to feel loved.  I do not have to earn these things with perfection.  

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  1. This is a very touching post. I can relate to it in a very big way! I had a terrible relationship that finally ended three years ago. Since then, I have been single, and a hermit myself. During that terrible relationship I starved myself for the entire relationship to please my partner. He liked thin women. Unfortunately I had a huge wake up call when I had to have emergency surgery. Now outside of the relationship I locked myself away from the world and gained back all my weight plus some. I am afraid to leave the house at times because of what others will say or think of me. I know in my mind that I am not THAT BIG, but old records keep playing and I can still hear him telling me I am fat. Three years - and I am finally taking charge of myself this year. 2014 is going to be my year to be me again, and to shine the way that the Universe always intended me to do. I wish you all the best. I truly hope that you have come a long way since this post. Blessed Be!

  2. Hi Bridgett! Thanks for pulling me back to this post as it is still good for me to keep in mind. I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling too, but so glad that you are taking charge, and I agree 2014 is going to be a great year for you and for me. I continued to struggle on and off, throughout the year, but I did make progress in several areas, mostly in my perception of myself and in gaining the ability to be gentler and more accepting of myself.


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