A Rut

Nine of Scrolls (Swords) - Chrysalis Tarot App

This is a good reading for me right now as I have found myself in a negative thinking rut.  After a couple of challenging months, experiencing the death of friends and loved ones and watching people I care about deal with major health issues, I've begun to live fearfully.  I find myself wondering when it will be my turn to experience a major health issue.  Every pain I feel in my body sends my mind swirling with thoughts of what if,...

Recently I've been thinking that I'd like to get back to the place I was before all of this started happening, back to where I was near the beginning of the year where I found a way to love myself and let myself be joyful.  I like the confirmation this card gives and the description that comes with it in the app that says, "The turmoil will dissipate as you assume greater responsibility for your own well being."  I've been working on that, and will look forward to feeling more peaceful soon.

You Are Worthy

Eight of Wands, Nine of Swords, Nine of Cups reversed - Revelations Tarot

Worrying about what others are thinking of you will only impede your progress.  Your self-worth is determined by you, not by the thoughts of others.

"Self worth comes from one thing -- thinking that you are worthy."
~Wayne Dyer

Abundance

Nine of Swords, Ten of Pentacles, Ace of Pentacles - The Gilded Tarot

Don't let fear block the gifts the Universe is giving you.  Accept those gifts with gratitude, share them with others and watch a river of abundance flow from you to others and back to you again.

"Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart."   Sarah Ban Breathnach

I Wish I Didn't Think What I'm Thinking.

Something strange happened to me this weekend, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since.  I went out Saturday night, which I wrote about in my last post, and I drank the same thing I always drink in the same quantity I always drink it, but I got wasted!  I know what I drank.  My bar  tab confirmed it, but by the end of the night I was having trouble talking and walking.  I passed out when I got home.  I got home safely and didn't come to any harm.  My friends were all there, and my son came and got me, but still.  I'm really shaken by it.

Apparently, the same thing has happened recently to a couple of other people at this bar, but when my friends were telling me about it, they were suspecting that a person who was recently fired was possibly drugging people's drinks.  That person was not there Saturday night, and yet, I experienced what a couple of my other friends said they experienced, and there is no answer for it.

I pulled three cards asking, "What happened to me Saturday night, and what should I do about it?"

The Lovers, The Devil, Nine of Swords - The Joie De Vivre Tarot

That devil in the middle is very striking to me.  Is that puppet he's controlling me?  Are these cards saying that I was not in control of the situation, because that is exactly how I feel?  I was not in control.  Or is the devil simply representing the fact that I did drink too much even though I know that I was careful?

The Nine of Swords represents how I'm feeling.  I feel anxious.  I'm suspicious, but am I being paranoid or are my suspicions justified?  I think this card is also telling me that I'm worrying too much about this.  I've been thinking about it nonstop since Sunday morning, to the point that I've feeling physically ill and unable to concentrate on other things.

The Lovers card is telling me to trust myself.  It may also be indicating that I have a decision to make, and that it is important I choose the right path.

I do feel like I'm being paranoid, and yet, I know what I know.  Even at the time, I kept telling my friends, "I'm really drunk, and I haven't had that much to drink."

They smiled and patted me on the back as if to say, "Oh Sidda, silly girl, it's okay to lose control once in a while," and if it were simply a case of me drinking too much I would agree that's it's not a big deal, but I feel like control was taken away from me against my will.

This reading brings some clarity.  I still don't know what happened exactly, but I think I'll trust my instincts and stay away from this bar for a while.  I'm feeling uncomfortable and anxious for a reason.  I need to listen to those feelings. Truth be told, it's probably for the best.  Maybe something will come to light and someone will figure out why this keeps happening to people. Even now, I'm still having trouble believing this happened.  I'm still tempted to blow it off as nothing or a fluke.  I think that would be a mistake, though.

I don't think I need to worry anymore about this, but I do think I need to make a smart decision about how to proceed in the future.

The Root of the Problem

This is what a typical Celtic Cross
therapy sessionreading of mine looks like. Beware.  This is straight from my notebook, complete with incomplete thoughts and bad grammar.

I asked how I could let go of negative feelings and past issues that are still holding me back and keeping me from accomplishing my goals.

1. What covers me: King of Cups reversed: I'm having difficulty controlling my emotions...turning to Biddy Tarot for some help:"The King of Cups may depend too much on others and view himself through the eyes of others."

Yes! Just minutes before pulling these cards I was just thinking about how I've been seeing myself through the eyes of the person who hates me most for the last five years.  Wow! Tarot gets me.

2. What crosses me:  Five of Cups:  Trouble letting go of the past...forgiveness is needed to move on.  Feeling defeated.  How interesting that this card comes up over and over for me.  This really is how I'm feeling.  One step forward, two steps back, I can't gain any ground.  "Woe is me."

Five of Cups - Revelations Tarot

3. What is above me/my goal/desired outcome:  Knight of Swords reversed:  I want to gain control over thought that lead to negativity and bitterness.  Perhaps I need to slow down because I'm trying to accomplish too much.  I may burn out.  Perhaps my goals are reckless and need balance.

4.  What is before me/Next step or event:  Page of Swords reversed:  Confused.  Is this advice or what I should do or likely next event?  I'm seeing, "bite your tongue," or, "Don't say everything you think."  Ah-ha!  maybe it means, "Stop saying such awful things about yourself to yourself."

Page of Swords - Revelations Tarot

5. What is below me/root of the problem:  Six of Wands reversed:  Conflict.  Looking backward.  Dwelling on the past.  Help from Biddy Tarot:  "You are lacking confidence and need the recognition and support of others to pick you up and give you strength again."

That did happen after the incident I'm remembering...the one I still let bother me.  I depended on the admiration of others to prove that I was not the person I was being accused of being.  I sought this out.  I became addicted to it.  I did get a lot of attention and admiration at the time.  It was both healing and hurtful. The dependence on it is what has been hurtful.

6.  What is behind me:  Eight of Wands:  Regaining passion.  Rising to the surface.  Waking up.  New ideas, moving forward with plans.  Yes, I have been working hard to do just that, and I have felt at times like I am waking up from a long sleep.

7.  My thoughts, feelings, and attitude about the situation:  Four of Swords:  If I could just conquer negative thinking I would feel peace.  I need to take time to rest, relax, contemplate, step away from the battle.

8.  My environment:  Ace of Wands reversed:  I don't have the means to put all of those 8 of wands ideas into action.  Frustrating delays.  Lack of direction.  "Where do I start?"

9.  Hopes and/or fears:  Nine of Swords:  Anguish.  "I can't control these thoughts."  Fear. Fear is so much a part of my life, or has been.  From Biddytarot.com:  "The nine of swords can indicate that you are being incredibly hard on yourself, putting yourself down or engaging in negative self-talk."

Oh boy, is this ever the truth!  In fact, this theme is appearing over and over in my life.  The need to talk more gently to myself, to stop beating myself up, to learn to love myself is so apparent, and yet, such a struggle for me.

10.  Outcome:  Six of Cups:  Contentment, peace, happiness, a return to a more child-like faith and a return to a more confident me.  A good outcome!  Worth letting go of resentments and negative thoughts and feelings.

A lot of swords in this reading.  Definitely a mental battle.  My takeaway?  Make a concerted effort to say nice things to myself.  To STOP the self-hate talk that is ongoing in my head.  Forgive.  Let go of the need to please.  STOP placing such importance on how others see me.  Try to see myself through the eyes of someone who adores me.