Spiritual Support

I was up most of the night feeling anxious.  Again.  I've actually been depressed and anxious since the beginning of October.  There have been several major stresses in my life during these months, and that together with my seasonal affective disorder, together with my generalized anxiety disorder have had me in quite a state.  

I'm not ignoring it.  I've had a couple of appointments with my doctor.  My blood work showed that I'm anemic, but that is resolving with iron.  Otherwise, I'm healthy. Well, except for this anxiety and depression.  My doctor wants to prescribe an antidepressant.  I've been on them before, but I'm trying this time to see if I can get to the root cause instead of masking it with medication.  I may still opt for medication if I can't find better relief, but in the meantime I'm working with a naturopath who has tested my estrogen and progesterone levels along with a saliva test for adrenal function.  I have an appointment with him today to find out the results.

I'm also trying to make some lifestyle changes, so far with some minimal success, but success nonetheless.  I'm kind of hit or miss with walking or other exercise, but I know it would make a big difference.  I'm working on better sleep hygiene and eating healthy whole foods while taking a few supplements.

I've been reading lots of different works dealing with spirituality and positive thinking as well, trying very hard to challenge negative thoughts.  I acknowledge the thoughts, but then I try to determine whether they are actually true, and I notice how those thoughts make me feel.  It's all hard work, but it is helping.  I could probably use some guidance from a counselor, but I've been dragging my feet when it comes to actually finding one and making an appointment.

Whew.  That's the background.  I'm trying to get to my tarot reading today, and I will, but there is one more big piece to my anxiety puzzle.

You Are Worthy

Eight of Wands, Nine of Swords, Nine of Cups reversed - Revelations Tarot

Worrying about what others are thinking of you will only impede your progress.  Your self-worth is determined by you, not by the thoughts of others.

"Self worth comes from one thing -- thinking that you are worthy."
~Wayne Dyer

To Write or Not to Write

I'm considering participating in Nanowrimo this month.  I haven't quite been able to commit to it, though. Two of my daughters participate every year, and I have participated in the past, although, I only got about halfway through my word count before I ran out of steam (and words!).

Besides, until last night I had not a clue what I would write.  I did a writing prompt tarot spread, and I've been mulling it over for the last couple of days, and last night, after I crawled into bed, of course, the cards came together in a rough plot.  I had to get up and write down a few notes.  It was after midnight and my fourteen year old was still up and already working on her novel.She'd been waiting for midnight so she could officially begin.  She's already 9% finished.

Anyway, here's my spread.  Beginning/Middle/End - Plot twist/Theme

Plot Spread - The Gilded Tarot

What kind of story do you come up with using these cards?

Here's my take.  The story starts with action.  I see a girl being chased by several other girls through the woods behind their home or the woods next to their school for troubled girls.  In the middle of the story the main character will discover her power, but she'll also struggle with ego.  Of course, the Four of Wands indicates a happy ending.  I think my main character will either be reunited with her true family or find a new family that loves and supports her.

Plot twist?  My main character is going to discover a portal to another world.  Her true world.  She is an alien among us from a higher plane.  Judgement will be the theme.  Judgement of mankind?  The main character will certainly face a moment of truth or two or three.  Judgement is an excellent theme.

Now, if only the words would come.

The Root of the Problem

This is what a typical Celtic Cross
therapy sessionreading of mine looks like. Beware.  This is straight from my notebook, complete with incomplete thoughts and bad grammar.

I asked how I could let go of negative feelings and past issues that are still holding me back and keeping me from accomplishing my goals.

1. What covers me: King of Cups reversed: I'm having difficulty controlling my emotions...turning to Biddy Tarot for some help:"The King of Cups may depend too much on others and view himself through the eyes of others."

Yes! Just minutes before pulling these cards I was just thinking about how I've been seeing myself through the eyes of the person who hates me most for the last five years.  Wow! Tarot gets me.

2. What crosses me:  Five of Cups:  Trouble letting go of the past...forgiveness is needed to move on.  Feeling defeated.  How interesting that this card comes up over and over for me.  This really is how I'm feeling.  One step forward, two steps back, I can't gain any ground.  "Woe is me."

Five of Cups - Revelations Tarot

3. What is above me/my goal/desired outcome:  Knight of Swords reversed:  I want to gain control over thought that lead to negativity and bitterness.  Perhaps I need to slow down because I'm trying to accomplish too much.  I may burn out.  Perhaps my goals are reckless and need balance.

4.  What is before me/Next step or event:  Page of Swords reversed:  Confused.  Is this advice or what I should do or likely next event?  I'm seeing, "bite your tongue," or, "Don't say everything you think."  Ah-ha!  maybe it means, "Stop saying such awful things about yourself to yourself."

Page of Swords - Revelations Tarot

5. What is below me/root of the problem:  Six of Wands reversed:  Conflict.  Looking backward.  Dwelling on the past.  Help from Biddy Tarot:  "You are lacking confidence and need the recognition and support of others to pick you up and give you strength again."

That did happen after the incident I'm remembering...the one I still let bother me.  I depended on the admiration of others to prove that I was not the person I was being accused of being.  I sought this out.  I became addicted to it.  I did get a lot of attention and admiration at the time.  It was both healing and hurtful. The dependence on it is what has been hurtful.

6.  What is behind me:  Eight of Wands:  Regaining passion.  Rising to the surface.  Waking up.  New ideas, moving forward with plans.  Yes, I have been working hard to do just that, and I have felt at times like I am waking up from a long sleep.

7.  My thoughts, feelings, and attitude about the situation:  Four of Swords:  If I could just conquer negative thinking I would feel peace.  I need to take time to rest, relax, contemplate, step away from the battle.

8.  My environment:  Ace of Wands reversed:  I don't have the means to put all of those 8 of wands ideas into action.  Frustrating delays.  Lack of direction.  "Where do I start?"

9.  Hopes and/or fears:  Nine of Swords:  Anguish.  "I can't control these thoughts."  Fear. Fear is so much a part of my life, or has been.  From Biddytarot.com:  "The nine of swords can indicate that you are being incredibly hard on yourself, putting yourself down or engaging in negative self-talk."

Oh boy, is this ever the truth!  In fact, this theme is appearing over and over in my life.  The need to talk more gently to myself, to stop beating myself up, to learn to love myself is so apparent, and yet, such a struggle for me.

10.  Outcome:  Six of Cups:  Contentment, peace, happiness, a return to a more child-like faith and a return to a more confident me.  A good outcome!  Worth letting go of resentments and negative thoughts and feelings.

A lot of swords in this reading.  Definitely a mental battle.  My takeaway?  Make a concerted effort to say nice things to myself.  To STOP the self-hate talk that is ongoing in my head.  Forgive.  Let go of the need to please.  STOP placing such importance on how others see me.  Try to see myself through the eyes of someone who adores me.