Heaven and Earth

As part of my reading about overcoming my fear of death I also inquired about life after death. First I asked if there was, indeed, life after death. I pulled The Four of Cups.

Four of Cups - Joie De Vivre Tarot

Interesting.  I could interpret this card as advising me that my focus on death and whether or not we go on afterwards is causing me to miss the life around me, and that is a valid point, but I didn't ask for advice with this card, I asked if there is life after death.  With that in mind, I might also see that there is a whole world outside of the little box where I currently reside.  Possibly there is a realm around us that we can't easily sense.  That is my hope.

Next I drew two cards asking for a description of heaven or whatever lies beyond this life:

The Tower, Ace of Coins - Joie De Vivre Tarot

Wow.  The Tower.  Of course.  Death qualifies as a tower event, no?  The thing with The Tower card is it indicates an occurrence that changes your life forever.  It means the end of something, but it's an end that needed to happen.  It makes way for something better, maybe the very best.

This Ace of Coins is such a beautiful description of Heaven too, and it is the same card (although from a different deck) that came up the last time I was inquiring about things divine.  I see abundance.  I see a tangible place where one creates something new.  I see gifts flowing freely from the Universe.

This is what I'm coming to believe about what we will be doing after life in our earthly bodies.  I think maybe we'll be co-creating a new life together, just as we are, albeit mostly unconsciously, co-creating this life.  Maybe we have many earthly lives before we're ready for that creation, or maybe we are, on one level, creating Heaven and this existence on earth simultaneously.

 

Living

The Fool - Joie De Vivre Tarot

When I see the fool I tend to think, "Trust," and "Go for it," even when I don't know what it is.  I do have a sense that there is something coming my way or that I'm headed in a new direction, but I have no idea what or where.  Still, I'm immensely grateful for the new hope and inspiration after a period of depression. 

Seeing the fool today reminds me of a reading I did for myself in the midst of that anxious, depressed time.  It was such a special and encouraging reading, but I didn't write about it because I'm a bit embarrassed about my fear of death and how weak it makes me seem.  I'm going to write about it now because it has come to mind many times since.

I asked, "How can I stop being so afraid of death?" and I pulled two cards: The Fool and The Magician.

The Fool and The Magician - Joie De Vivre Tarot

The way you stop fearing death is you get on with living.  Start a new adventure! Create a new thing in your life.  Get on with the business of creating the life you want and you will be so busy you won't have much time for lamenting it's end. 

“One day we shall die. But all the other days we shall be alive.”

                                                          ~ Per Olov Enquist

When I was a little girl there was a period of time where I would lie awake every night gripped with the fear of my eventual demise.  My mom would sit by my bed trying to comfort me every night, and many nights I would climb into bed with her.  One night my dad said something that caused my death fear to go dormant for years. 

He said, "You haven't even begun living yet!" 

It was like a magic spell, and my fear of death didn't resurface until after I had kids.  I chased it away at that time with religion and antidepressants.  Now I find it coming back again as I creep closer to fifty years and every day, thanks to the internet, I hear about another person who has passed away.  The Fool and The Magician are essentially saying what my dad said to me.  Start living! 

And that is what I'm attempting to do.

I'm Magical

The Magician - Joie De Vivre Tarot

Whenever this card comes up for me the thought that pops into my head is, "You make the magic happen, Baby!" This is a shift from The Hanged Man/Six of Swords/Four of Swords--wait and see, hang in there, you are in transition cards I've been getting until now, and I can definitely feel a shift in my energy as well.

I'm feeling like me again, and that all by itself seems like magic, but if I look back at all I've been doing to take care of myself, I can see that I made that magic happen.  

 

In My Coccon

I'm still pulling a card each day, but I haven't posted because I keep pulling the same cards.  The six of swords, the four of swords, and the hanged man are the cards I have pulled two or three times each. 

That is telling me that I am in transition, but that transition requires less activity and striving and more rest, patience, and introspection.  So, my hibernation continues.

Spiritual Support

I was up most of the night feeling anxious.  Again.  I've actually been depressed and anxious since the beginning of October.  There have been several major stresses in my life during these months, and that together with my seasonal affective disorder, together with my generalized anxiety disorder have had me in quite a state.  

I'm not ignoring it.  I've had a couple of appointments with my doctor.  My blood work showed that I'm anemic, but that is resolving with iron.  Otherwise, I'm healthy. Well, except for this anxiety and depression.  My doctor wants to prescribe an antidepressant.  I've been on them before, but I'm trying this time to see if I can get to the root cause instead of masking it with medication.  I may still opt for medication if I can't find better relief, but in the meantime I'm working with a naturopath who has tested my estrogen and progesterone levels along with a saliva test for adrenal function.  I have an appointment with him today to find out the results.

I'm also trying to make some lifestyle changes, so far with some minimal success, but success nonetheless.  I'm kind of hit or miss with walking or other exercise, but I know it would make a big difference.  I'm working on better sleep hygiene and eating healthy whole foods while taking a few supplements.

I've been reading lots of different works dealing with spirituality and positive thinking as well, trying very hard to challenge negative thoughts.  I acknowledge the thoughts, but then I try to determine whether they are actually true, and I notice how those thoughts make me feel.  It's all hard work, but it is helping.  I could probably use some guidance from a counselor, but I've been dragging my feet when it comes to actually finding one and making an appointment.

Whew.  That's the background.  I'm trying to get to my tarot reading today, and I will, but there is one more big piece to my anxiety puzzle.

Rest and Retreat

Four of Swords - Joie De Vivre Tarot

The beginning of this week was rough, lots of anxiety, for a variety of reasons, but I'm feeling calmer now; calm but exhausted. 

This card is perfect.  I had already started my day gently by spending forty minutes reading in bed before getting up.  It felt nice, and I was almost tempted to feel guilty about it.  Almost.  The Four of Swords is telling me that I'm on the right track by taking time to rest, not just my body, but my mind which has been in overdrive trying to figure out solutions for problems that haven't even occurred yet.

Hang In There, Baby.

The Hanged Man - Joie De Vivre Tarot

This has been a rough week for me.  I breathed a sigh of relief when I drew this card.  It seemed to say, "Hang in there baby!  You don't have to make any big moves right now, just rest in yourself for a while." 

 

Anxious

Four of Cups - Joie De Vivre Tarot

These feelings of anxiety are real, and yet, I know I am creating them with my thoughts.  The feelings of isolation and, at times, hopelessness are also all too real, but that is because I'm living in my head, depending too much on my thoughts.  Outside of this box are family and friends reaching out, close enough for me to touch, if only I would.

Look into the water on this card and see love reflected there.  When anxious thoughts take over I need to remember who I am underneath the ego, the thoughts, the fears.  I am love.  The reflection in the water reminds me of The Work of Byron Katie.  One of the questions she asks over and over is, "Who would you be without that thought?"  In this card, I need to see who I really am reflected in the water that is calm and free of those thoughts I'm experiencing inside the box.

Getting out of the box is hard,...or maybe that's another thought that really isn't true.