Progress Report

I'm feeling better as far as the crud goes.  I think it's mostly gone, leaving just a little coughing here and there behind.  I've talked to a few people, my mom included, and four weeks seems to be the average amount of time this virus lasts.  Like me, my mom said the worst part of it is how run down it leaves you feeling.

Before I got sick I had been planning to address this depression. (I'm refusing to call it MY depression anymore.)  Getting sick put a wrench in my plans, but I've picked them back up and have been making some progress. 

I made 5 meals for my family.  That's five nights we didn't eat pizza or hot dogs!  I dyed my hair.  The gray had overtaken it.  When I talked to my mom on the phone today she admitted it was a shock to see me and how gray my hair was last week when she was over.   It made HER feel old. Ha!  I used my light box twice.  I took my vitamin D3 four or five days in a row.  I didn't drink wine every night.  In fact, I only drank it two or three nights.  (Three.  Always round up when I'm talking about wine or pizza.)  

And this is one is a biggie.  I tried on a pair of my jeans.  I've been living in pajama bottoms and sweat pants since Christmas and have built up a lot of anxiety surrounding wearing real clothes.  It's one of the reasons I've declined all invitations from friends and family.  The jeans fit.  Granted, they are my fat jeans and they were a little snug, but I hadn't completely outgrown them, as I had feared.

Oh, and that reminds me of the other thing I've done.  I've accepted three. THREE. separate social invitations.  Two birthday gatherings for dear friends and one girls poker night, which is this weekend.  Now I just have to get myself there, which will be easier now that I've washed the gray outta my hair and realized I can wear a pair of jeans.  Well, I'm wearing sweats to the girls poker party, just because I can, but it's good to know I don't have to be afraid of getting dressed to go out.

I did a reading.  I'm not excited about it because nothing really clicked, but then I was pretty vague about my intentions with it.  I was reading on the current state of my body, soul, and mind:

Body/Soul/Mind
Two of Pentacles, The Tower, The Hierophant

And because it didn't excite me, I'm going to gloss over my thoughts pretty quickly.  I hate when The Tower shows up in readings, but as the state of my soul it's probably not inaccurate.  No drama there, just not settled.

Body?  I'm still trying to hang onto old habits while developing new ones, but something needs to go so I can embrace better things, healthier things.

Mind?  I'm playing it safe.  Thinking the same things, feeding it with the same stuff.  Maybe this isn't a great time for me to learn something new anyway.  I have enough to worry about with just putting into practice what I already know.

Oh, and here's a picture of me balancing old, bad habits with new:

I'm playing Guild Wars 2, which I do for way too many hours of the day, BUT I have my light box in front of me!

Time To See A Doctor?

I've been sick for the last 3 weeks, and it's been interfering with my GMST plan.  I've been improving, and I'm not noticing any signs of infection or pneumonia; no fever, clear mucous, no shortness of breath, almost no wheezing, etc., but I am still feeling like death warmed over.  What energy I had is gone.  The smallest things, like throwing a load of clothes in the washer, completely wipe me out.

My sleep cycle is totally out of whack too.  I am unable to fall asleep before 4 or 5 am, and have been sleeping past 1 pm.  I've always been a night owl, but when I was sick, so were my kids, and one child, in particular, had a lot of trouble sleeping at night, so instead of resting and recovering, I was up all night with her.  I'm sure that didn't help.  

Today I forced myself to get up at 10 am, and yesterday I managed to go grocery shopping, which I don't think I've done since before Christmas.  I'm serious about GMST.  I'm tired of just existing, getting fatter and more tired, watching other people live while I distract myself with meaningless mundanities while time passes.  (I do love a good bit of drama every now and then, as evidenced by that last sentence, but what I wrote is not untrue.)

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
~Norman Cousins


So, today I'm asking the cards if it's time to go to the doctor or if I will be able to proceed with my plan to de-herimitize myself.  Is my health in need of professional attention?  How about my mental health?  Do I need medication to shake this depression or can I do it with better self-care and an attitude adjustment?  (I've gone both routes with success in the past.)

The Devil, Five of Pentacles, Ace of Swords - Tarot of the Magical Forest

I turned over the middle card first, which represents my current state.  Oh my.  I have to chuckle because it just really couldn't be more literal, could it?  I'm here in the dead of Winter, lamenting the cold, dark days, feeling like the sun will never shine again.  This little fox, obviously is not completely healthy with her bandaged leg.  She needs a cane to walk, and her worried spouse holds her up and supports her, just like me.  This just makes me smile. So,...true!

Next I turned over The Devil.  This is a past influence that is affecting me now.  Well, yeah.  Again, true.  I've been eating too much, drinking too much, sitting on the computer too much, and sleeping too much.  I've been feeling powerless to help myself.  It is exactly what has brought me to my current state.

But I'm going to be okay.  The next card is my outcome.  An attitude adjustment is definitely called for.  By the power of my will I can overcome my current situation.  I am the one in control of this, and I need wake up and really own that.

This is a really good reading for me.  I feel inspired and empowered.  It's just the kind of in-your-face, honest pep talk that I needed this morning.

"You have a very powerful mind that can make anything happen as long as you keep yourself centered."
 ~Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Operation GMST

Where have I been?  Where am I still?  I can't tell you, exactly.  I can only tell you where I haven't been.  That is to say, I have not been present here on this blog, nor have I been present in my own life.  I've been existing.  That is all.

For a few weeks I've been telling myself I'm going to pick myself up, make a change and take control of my life again.  I've been calling it, "Operation Get-My-Shit-Together."  I know exactly what I need to do to feel better, healthier, more alive.  I just don't know where to start.  If I try to do everything that I know I need, I will end up falling flat on my face with another reason to not trust myself.  What ONE THING do I need to get the ball rolling?  Take my vitamins?  Start getting some exercise again?  Set my alarm and wake up earlier?  Organize a closet and reclaim some space?  Get together with some friends, as I've been a complete hermit for the last two months?  Start cooking real food again instead of living on boxed mac and cheese and frozen pizzas?

I did a spread looking for clarity.

Where to start/The big picture/Keep in mind

Judgement, Ten of Coins Reversed, Five of Coins - Joie De Vivre Tarot

When I turned over the first card, Judgement, I thought, Oh great, I have to figure out where to start for myself.  I just want a clear answer.  As I looked at the card, though, and noticed the butterfly on the hat of this character I thought of transformation.  He is rising from the flames of his past toward rebirth.  I think I need to start by believing I can live differently, that instead of just existing, I can have the joyful life I dream of having but never really allow myself to live.

Ten of Coins reversed is the big picture.  When I stop focusing on all the little details, this is what is all comes down to, huh?  This card tells me that I already have everything I need.  I am blessed and gifted with so much abundance, but I refuse to acknowledge it.  I refuse to let myself enjoy it.  It would heal my heart if I could open my eyes and express gratitude every day for what I do have and for what and who I am. I also need to believe that I deserve love.  I deserve joy.  Even though I am not the made up idea of perfection that I think I need to be before I'm allowed to be loved and joyful.

What I need to keep in mind is that although it seems dark now, brighter days are ahead.  Believe it, and keep moving forward.

The quint card for this spread is Strength. (20+10+5 = 35 and 3+5=8)

Strength - Joie De Vivre Tarot

 The description for this card that came with the deck summarizes the reading beautifully:

"With patience, you will triumph over challenges that lie ahead, while maintaining calmness. Ride out the storm and face your fears; do not give up when you're so close to getting through a trying situation. Have faith of your own ability to endure, and come out stronger from the experience. Through it all, you will be where you are supposed to be, and it will be for the best"

I do have challenges to face and hard work to do, but I can believe I have the strength to do it, and in the meantime, I am allowed to be happy.  I am allowed to be kind to myself.  I am allowed to feel loved.  I do not have to earn these things with perfection.