Challenging Negative Thoughts

What can I do today to focus my energy more positively?

Five of Wands, King of Swords, The Sun - Tarot of the Magical Forest

I'm creating a lot of conflict for myself with my thoughts.  The reason I'm feeling angry and bitter today, and unfortunately, I am, for no real reason, is because of the stories I'm telling myself, not because of what is actually true.  I need to challenge those thoughts and be very intentional about telling myself the truth.

I'm taking the appearance of The Sun in this reading literally.  It's been so dark and rainy, and that kind of weather really affects my mood, but today the sun was shining so I made a point of getting outside and spending some time in the bright light.  It felt good!  When this time of year rolls around I have a light box that I use in the morning because my sleep gets disrupted by the short, dark days.  The light box helps.  I also start taking vitamin D3.  I've been telling myself for a couple of weeks that it's time to implement those Winter coping strategies.  I FEEL THE NEED!  I've procrastinated on doing it, though, and maybe The Sun is just a reminder that it's time.

"Whenever a negative thought concerning your personal power comes to mind, deliberately voice a positive one to cancel it out."

~Norman Vincent Peale

Dare to Dream

It's been a while since I've written.  Last night I had a dream that I was shuffling one of my tarot decks and I kept bending and creasing the cards.  I was so upset!  The cards seemed so fragile easily ruined.  I'm not sure what that meant, but it did make me want to pull that deck out this morning and see what it might have to say.

I've been feeling stuck and tired and uninterested in doing much of anything at all, so I drew three cards asking, "How can I get back on track?"

Death, Page of Cups, The Wheel - Joie De Vivre Tarot

It's interesting that Death came up.  I've been thinking about death A LOT lately.  There was my uncle's death, which hit me pretty hard, and friend of mine's husband is dying too.  He goes home into hospice care tomorrow.  Another friend and I had a conversation earlier in the week about our mutual death preoccupation.  Where did it come from?  When did it start?  How does it affect the choices we make?  This is part of why I'm feeling stuck.  The other part is that it's dark.  The days are short, and the weather has added even more gloom.

I always get a little pep-talk from this deck. With Death and The Wheel on either side of the spread it is saying, change is inevitable. We all have seasons in our lives where we are saying goodbye to loved ones, preparing to move on ourselves, experiencing new beginnings, and letting go of baggage from the past.  Some things we can't control, but some things we can.  I can make choices now that will make things better tomorrow.  I don't have to stay stuck.

The page of cups in between these two cards is a reminder that every "goodbye," brings a fresh "Well, hello there!"  I should let myself dream of possibilities.  I should let myself dream and believe those dreams can come true.    All week I'd think about decorating for Christmas one minute and the next I was out of the mood.  I'd think about trying a new exercise routine I'd seen online but then I'd tell myself, "What's the point?"  Every time I did a little dreaming, death was lingering in the background giving me a sense of futility. This spread is saying, "Embrace the dream! Believe!"  That's where positive change starts.  A belief.

Interestingly, while I was having the thought above I was walking down the hall and noticed a sign hanging there that was given to me this Summer.  (I sometimes pace while I gather my thoughts.  And you thought I wrote blog posts sitting in front of the computer!) It says, "Dream until your dreams come true."  I walk by that sign every day and never see it.  Today I saw it.  Today I'm believing.

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."
~James Dean

Peace

My uncle died today.  He was in a lot of pain this week.  Last night he celebrated Christmas with his loved ones and was able to see his grandchildren open gifts.  He was holding on for that.  For them.  I'll miss him.

Heaven Via Chariot?

My uncle is losing his battle with leukemia.  He's not expected to live past Christmas, if he makes it that long.  I keep hoping for some miracle to come and save him, but maybe a peaceful passing is what I should be praying for.  I did a spread asking what the next few weeks would look like for him.

The Chariot, Six of Wands, King of Chalices - Tarot of the Magical Forest

Probably because of wishful thinking my first read on these cards was that The Chariot represents my uncle's desire to fight this cancer.  He wants to undergo an aggressive treatment to try and beat the cancer, but his doctor believes the treatment will kill him even faster than the cancer.  His heart is simply not strong enough to survive a stronger dose of chemo.  When I saw these cards I thought maybe they were saying he would fight and be victorious.  Surely the Six of Wands shows a man surrounded by love and support celebrating a victory, right?

But after thinking about it more, and knowing that my uncle is home under hospice care, preparing to celebrate Christmas early so he can see the joy in his grand-children's faces one last time, I think maybe The Chariot indicates that he will be leaving this world for the next very soon.

In the bible, Elijah was taken to heaven by a chariot:

"Then it happened, as they continued on and talked, that suddenly a chariot of fire appeared with horses of fire, and separated the two of them; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven." 2 Kings 2:11

The next two cards seem almost heavenly in that context.  If this reading does indicate that he will by dying soon, it shows joy and love await him in the next world.  I really want to believe that when we die we are reunited with loved ones.  The Six of Wands paints that picture too.  Maybe the King of Cups is God, in this case.  God is love, after all. No matter how confused I am about all things divine at times, that is the one belief I cling to the most. 

As if that isn't clear enough, when I add up the cards to calculate the quint card I get 7+6=13.  Death.

Either way, I want to believe what this reading is telling me.  I hope a miracle happens and somehow his heart is strengthened and he can live to fight.  The truth is, though, that we are all going to die, and no matter how hard I try to forget that truth, sometimes it gets right up in my face and demands to be acknowledged.  This is one of those times, so if I have to face it, I want so badly to believe death is a passing from this world to a better one filled with love and joy.  That does seem to be the message for me today.  If only I could believe it.

Charge!

I did another "What's at hand?" spread today using Tarot: The Complete Kit cards:

What's at hand? Nine of Wands. The wands in this card form a window, and behind the window stands a woman looking out.  The window almost looks like a cage.  Are the bars there for her protection or is she trapped by them?  I've been feeling guarded lately.  Having been hurt by a couple of comments from people recently, and also feeling hurt by silence from other people, I find myself holding back and not reaching out to others as I normally would.  Maybe the woman behind the window is just checking the weather before she heads out so she knows whether she'll need a raincoat or not.  Once she knows what she needs to be safe and warm, she'll step out and rejoin the community.

Past Influences?  The Chariot.  Look at that bicyclist go!  The rider is moving in his own way.  It may not be the traditional way to ride a bike, but he's moving.  I've been quite the mover and shaker in the past, myself.  I haven't always been so guarded or so stuck.  It's important to remember that.  This is a temporary state of being.  The calm before the Sidda-Storm, perhaps?  You know what they say, "It's like riding a bike; once you learn, you never forget!"  I think I'll find my groove again, and sooner rather than later.

Ponder this.  King of Wands.  This particular king is on the move too.  The challenges being faced are temporary.  I have everything I need to move forward.

What to do.  Knight of Swords.  Charge!  That's what I think when I see this card.  It's so interesting that the top card shows a woman who is hesitating, making sure everything is okay before stepping out, not quite ready to move ahead.  Yet, all three cards underneath show definite action and movement. I think this means that this funk I'm in is just about over.  I think the King of Swords is telling me that the only reason I'm stuck is because I haven't yet made the decision to MOVE!  It's okay that I'm holding back.  There may be a good reason to look before I leap, but once I see that it's safe to go ahead, I'll regain the energy I've had in the past and do exactly what I set my mind to.

Breaking Old Worn Out Patterns

Yesterday I received a little sunshine in my mailbox from Magic Mentha.  I won her Blogiversary Giveaway of a Tarot: The Complete Kit, along with a couple of other thoughtful goodies thrown in just because MM is a sweetie.  This is a cute little tarot deck, and I love it!  Thanks, MM!

I dove right in and used the suggested spread that came with the kit. 

A

B- C- D

A. What's at hand?
B.  Past influences.
C.  Ponder this.
D. What to do.

What's at hand?  Six of Pentacles.  This card makes me think of giving and receiving, which is very appropriate for this time of year.  The loaf of bread shown on this card is perfect because this is the time of year that I find myself doing a lot of baking.  In fact, this weekend I'll be baking another birthday cake.  We're having family over for a birthday party for my fourteen year old, which reminds me, I still need to buy her gift!  I also have a pretty messy house to clean up, but this card isn't just about giving.  It's also about receiving, so I think I will "receive" plenty of help from my husband and kids.

Past influences?  Queen of Cups.  This card speaks to me about my relationship with my family, and in the past, this has been a hard time of year for me.  There is so much I want to do to make this time special for them, and I feel like I never quite measure up.  The drops of water next to the queen makes me think of tears, and the downside of this queen is that sometimes she doesn't see things clearly because she can get a little stressed out.  Maybe she is putting too much pressure on herself, trying so hard to make everyone else happy.  She needs to remember to love herself too.  That's another message I have gotten from this card repeatedly.  The little book that came with this deck says, "Don't get bogged down by trivial details or the demands of others," and that speaks to me right now.

Ponder this.  Two of Swords.  Maybe I don't have to "do it all."  Maybe this card is asking me to think about what is really important, so I can make some choices about where to apply myself.  Maybe I will have to disappoint some people in the process, but I do need to think clearly and choose wisely.  That white dog under the table sticking his tongue out at me will get over it.  He's still there at the ponderer's feet, right?

What to do?  Ten of Wands.  I need to recognize that I feel incredibly burdened every year around this time, so perhaps this year it's time to approach things differently.  In fact, the little book says, "Break out of stubborn patterns and look for new approaches."  That sounds really good to me!  I've been feeling a sense of dread as the days tick past.  I've been wanting to hide my head in the sand and do nothing, but that will insure that I have another stressful holiday season.  It has become a pattern that I willingly break this year.  Instead of feeling stressed and glad when it's all over, I'm going to think of ways to make this a relaxed and special time for me and my family.
 

To Write or Not to Write

I'm considering participating in Nanowrimo this month.  I haven't quite been able to commit to it, though. Two of my daughters participate every year, and I have participated in the past, although, I only got about halfway through my word count before I ran out of steam (and words!).

Besides, until last night I had not a clue what I would write.  I did a writing prompt tarot spread, and I've been mulling it over for the last couple of days, and last night, after I crawled into bed, of course, the cards came together in a rough plot.  I had to get up and write down a few notes.  It was after midnight and my fourteen year old was still up and already working on her novel.She'd been waiting for midnight so she could officially begin.  She's already 9% finished.

Anyway, here's my spread.  Beginning/Middle/End - Plot twist/Theme

Plot Spread - The Gilded Tarot

What kind of story do you come up with using these cards?

Here's my take.  The story starts with action.  I see a girl being chased by several other girls through the woods behind their home or the woods next to their school for troubled girls.  In the middle of the story the main character will discover her power, but she'll also struggle with ego.  Of course, the Four of Wands indicates a happy ending.  I think my main character will either be reunited with her true family or find a new family that loves and supports her.

Plot twist?  My main character is going to discover a portal to another world.  Her true world.  She is an alien among us from a higher plane.  Judgement will be the theme.  Judgement of mankind?  The main character will certainly face a moment of truth or two or three.  Judgement is an excellent theme.

Now, if only the words would come.